"I'm Always Up"
By: The Enemy Staff
You are an apostle of Jesusthony Christano (light 777/10). You've exhausted the subgenres of post-punk, post-hardcore, post-noise, post-pop, synthpop, dreampop, all the pop from the Top of the Pops down to the darkest of sweet, sickly serenades, shoegaze, new wave no wave vaporwave, you are an authority on Death Grips, love Godspeed You! Black Emperor, and can rattle off the best of Deafheaven's deep cuts and make introductory black metal suggestions for your pleb buddies. All your late night downloading on Limewire-turned-into-Youtube-music-marathons-turned-into-Pirate-Bay-album-searches and combing through the discographies of seminal alternative bands has paid off. You've ascended to full musical encyclopedia in your circle of friends. But one genre is missing from your repertoire: the one glaring hole in your ever-growing, ever-pretentious collection of music: baby rock.
Yes! Baby rock! A new and exciting musical force spearheaded by Winnipeg's own Garbage Boys! Neal, Elliott, Dylan, and ████ are The Garbage Boys. They are the seminal (and first, to our knowledge) baby-rock band. Get on the wave early before they absolutely blow up super popular. Not cool, just a bunch of baby bullshit quickly whipped up? Wrong, sucker. They just came back from touring Japan. Chugging sounds reminiscent of a baby crawling on the floor, gaining ground limb by limb. The idiosyncratic, ear piercing cries for milk. The cute giggles. The Garbage Boys' breakthrough hit waahs for itself! They're so exclusive they only have one track online currently, their smash hit Bottle Baby.
And before you go tell all your friends, claiming that you found out about baby rock through some other, more obscure fashion, remember you heard about it here first, on The Enemy. Fresh off tour, we present to you the Garbage Boys' first ever interview. Waah.
Let's talk about the new single. Bottle Baby or Baby Bottle?
(Garbage Boys, in unison): Bottle Baby.
What was the concept for the single? People are calling a new genre, Baby Rock?
Dylan: You know, it's really deep, it's very, like, esoteric. I don't know if I can even tell you guys what it's actually about, it's that deep. I don't even know if you can comprehend it, to be honest.
What was the audience for the song? What was the demographic, the under-3 range?
Elliott: We're thinking about touring elementary schools, middle schools, that's our major demographic.
Neal: The Rugrats soundtrack was a really big influence in our music. So shouts-out to Rugrats, 10/10...
(The Garbage Boys, in unison): 10/10!
Just to confirm, are we all up right now?
Dylan: Uhh, we up
Elliott: Every single one of us is up right now. You can't even deny it.
Dylan: You can't deny the fact that we up. No holds barred baby, no holds barred.
Neal: No hooks barbed.
Dylan: I'm comin' at you barb off.
Elliott: NO BARB!
Is there ever a time when you guys are not up?
Elliott: Uhh, it wavers, I'm usually like 10/10
Dylan: I'm always up.
Neal: I have to drive, so I gotta be the least up out of all these guys.
"Yeah, Hillary Clinton is not up at alllllll."
What do you do if you run into someone that isn't up?
Elliott: You gotta spread the word to them.
Dylan: Spread the good word! It's more than just a simple phrase, it's a lifestyle.
Elliott: It's a lifestyle choice, it is. Ya know...
Dylan: it's a mindset.
Elliott: If you're always up, you can never be down.
We Up, what else is there to say? Well...for all the new fans of the Garbage Boys, what can they look forward to, musically?
Neal: We're definitely gonna have another song about some baby rock-influenced material....maybe pacifiers, dirty diapers, soothers, mobiles...
Elliott: Cloth diapers, not disposable diapers.
Dylan: We're trying to save the environment, one dirty diaper at a time.
Elliott: We support good cribs for children.
Is thumb sucking up?
(in unison): yep
"We're trying to save the environment, one dirty diaper at a time."
I want you guys to rate these in order of most-up: Keystone XL, Hillary Clinton, checkered Vans, and Polo dad hats.
Dylan: Oh man....that's tough.
Neal: I'm saying Keystone XL is first.
Dylan: Hillary Clinton is fuckin' right at the bottom.
Elliott: Yeah, Hillary Clinton is not up at allllll. Fuck Clinton. I'd probably say Polo dad hats.
Neal: I'd probably say checkered Vans above Polo dad hats.
Elliott: Really. Could you explain yourself?
Neal: Holy fuck.
Elliott: You know what? Whatever you think is up, is up. People think Hillary Clinton is up, and that's up to them.
Neal: But they're WRONG. She's not up.
Dylan: I don't know man...I can't say.
Any more questions? Anthony you had that one question right?
Anthony: What question? I don't have ANY questions. I'm up and that's all I need.
Neal: Wanna know how we came up with the name for The Garbage Boys?
Neal: So there's a dumpster behind the Brier. Me and Dylan were there, and we were drinkin' beers behind the Green Brier Inn (™)....
Dylan and Elliott: Best vendor in the city!
Neal: [The dumpster] had a semi-circular opening to it, with a lid. And on the lid read the phrase 'Grease Only.' I looked and Dylan, and said, "should I get in?" And uh, lo and behold, one of us said, you know what would be a good band name?
(in unison): The Garbage Boys!
Elliott: I don't think I was there.
Dylan: But you're up, and that's what counts.
Neal: We regret to inform you that Mr. ████ ██████ is currently absent, but he's present with us always.
So we heard that both Gerber and Huggies were looking for record deals. it seems that you've got yourself into a bidding war between the labels. Can you guys comment on this?
Elliott: GERBER ALL THE WAY. Like we said, cloth...
Neal: Wait wait wait! I'm pretty sure Gerber has like poison and shit in it! Didn't they find like feces in it, or something?
Elliott: You find feces in diapers!
Dylan: You know what, I'm goin' independent, baby.
Elliott: You know, disposable diapers, they're sitting in landfills, harming the environment...
Neal: I saw a sea turtle with a dirty diaper around its' neck!
As of right now, you can only find the Garbage Boys on their Bandcamp. Look out for more esoteric, intellectual baby hits there.